Note to Self: She’s Not Yours

Dear Self,

You feel entitled to that which is not yours. You cling tightly to false securities found in others, when you should hang on to the truest of securities found in Jesus. You’re fearful and insecure because your trust is misplaced; your view of ownership, distorted. You’ve allowed a good desire for care and love to mutate into an obsessive rage over the affirmation of a woman.

Well, you know what? She’s not yours.* And in reality, you’re not even yours. You belong to Jesus. She belongs to Jesus. He is the only one with a right to jealousy and you are claiming ownership over what is His. And considering that Jesus’ possessional disposition toward you is expressed in an appropriate context, jealousy can actually be good! A husband is right to be jealous for the affections of his wife; she is his. Further still, God is jealous for your heart, which is righteous and beautiful. However, the hardness of your heart, created by the deceitfulness of sin, has tricked you into believing that a woman not your wife— whether she be your friend, girlfriend, or fiancé— is in fact yours.

This distortion makes you dangerously susceptible to violent emotional anxiety. And, in reality, nearly all that prompts your jealous insecurity has nothing to do with the actions of another human. All is speculation based in irrational fear. Your jealousy often has zero concrete basis.

So, what does exist in you when triggers are absent? You feel entitled to her in some degree. You believe the lie that she is yours. You are possessive over her, thus she must be a possession— an object. Your jealousy is a devaluation of her person. And if this object so cruelly dictates your emotions, your jealousy makes her an idol. This lie, these insecurities, must be attacked and killed to the point of sweating blood, lest you die. Even if your worst fears and darkest insecurities are true, you cannot let this change the state of your spirit. You are one with Jesus and only Jesus and that truth is unchanged by anyone’s actions. Regardless of a woman’s affirmation or denial of your love, you are not losing or gaining anything of heavenly significance.

The game plan remains unchanged: pursue wholeness in Jesus that you may worship him most purely.

So give it up. Release control and entitlement. There may be fear. There may be pain. But she is not yours, and you are not yours. Jesus is jealous for your affections.

With Hope,


*But then who is she, in relation to you?! She is your sister. And it is your responsibility to seek her growth and flourishing by sacrificing your life without expectation of anything in return, apart from the joy set before you in Christ which is promised to fully satisfy your heart.

For more on the spiritual discipline of preaching to yourself, check out Joe Thorn’s Note To Self.


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